Subject:
GETTING IT DONE IN THE SOUTH Hello, is this the sheriff's office?
Yes. What can I do for you?"
I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them
logs, but he's hidin' it there."
Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search
the shed where the firewood is kept Using axes, they bust open every
piece
of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... d id the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun) //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
DEAR TECH SUPPORT: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon
noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and
now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3,
Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men often complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files
from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings:
Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work
on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE!
Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance!
Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and
Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Pay Bills 4.2
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 24.7 Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional special purpose software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck, Tech Support
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Not a bad idea... In fact, a darn good one!! CAN I GET AN "
AMEN"
Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as they see fit. In order to get that paycheck. I am required to pass a random urine test, which I have no problem with.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check, because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit on their ass.
Could you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Things To Ponder
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal
injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken
computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end
you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we
say, "It's all right?
Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it
like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously: "If at first you don't succeed" just about does
it for sky diving!
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends!
If they're okay, then it's you.
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